Wednesday 14 January 2009

bittersweet goodbyes

It's funny to hear people tell you how well you are doing in terms of grieving. If they only knew....Brave; Courageous; Strong; Proud...Yes, at times I am all these things but I am beginning to think myself a darn good actress, because on the inside, most of the time, I feel like I am chasing my own tail...round and round in circles. I would describe my internal feelings, opposed to the external front I show as...Fretting; Cowardly; Unsure; Timid; Broken; Hollow...

When I look at Tristan's photos I feel my loss so acutely as the day he was born. Knowing that my living son would die, welcoming him with an all too rude awareness of the sad goodbye that would reveal itself, just crushes my soul. Most parents look proudly at their children's photos, reminded of the immense joy they heralded with their arrival. I look with that sense of the bittersweet. Every photo is a reminder of that goodbye.  Don't get me wrong. I love the pictures and relics I have of Tristan. I cherish them with all my heart and looking at them also makes me happy...I hope one day, I will look at them with a wistful acceptance of the hand I was dealt, rather than the distress I have now, wondering why.

I was out and about on Tuesday with my Mum. Tristan would have been five weeks old. Out that day was every other mother that there could possibly be with their own precious five week old sons. In my head I was screaming out to the heavens WHY??? WTF??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME???  I woke up feeling good and then braving the outside world,  it felt like my nose was being rubbed into my loss. I felt so ill. Sick to the core. It was also the day that I went to the post office to pick up that item of registered post - the death certificate. I haven't yet received Tristan's birth certificate, but everywhere that day, the universe reminded me that my son was dead and that I was a mother without her baby. 

2 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry J. I feel like everywhere I go I see five month old girls. It is a brutal world we live in. I never realised how brutal this time five months ago.

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  2. I'm so sorry to read about the loss of your precious Tristan. What a beautiful boy. I would like to invite you to the Vasa Previa email group. http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Vasa_Previa
    You will find people there who have walked exactly in your shoes. I know it is comforting to talk to people who know what you are going through.

    My deepest sympathies,
    Jennifer Munson, Vasa_Previa moderator and IVPF Director
    Mom to Colton, Vasa Previa survivor
    http://www.vasaprevia.org/stories/survivors/ JenniferMunson. htm

    Risk Factors, Testing, and IVPF Management Recommendations for Vasa Previa:
    http://IVPF.org/education/recommendations.htm

    Sign up to receive the free IVPF newsletter:
    http://groups.yahoo.com/group/IVPF

    To join the Vasa_Previa email discussion group, visit:
    http://groups.yahoo.com/group/Vasa_Previa

    Medical Resources on Vasa Previa
    http://IVPF.org/resources/resources.htm

    IVPF Slide Show about vasa previa
    online - http://IVPF.org/Docs/IVPFslideshow. htm

    IVPF Brochure
    http://IVPF.org/Docs/IVPFbrochure.PDF

    Frequently asked questions about vasa previa:
    http://IVPF.org/faqs/faqs.htm

    Sophie's Walk for Vasa Previa
    http://SophiesWalk.org/walk

    Help us research vasa previa by filling in the IVPF research questionnaire:
    http://IVPF.org/education/questions.htm

    Save babies from an untimely death due to vasa previa by JOINING the International Vasa Previa Foundation, Inc. as a participating member! Visit http://IVPF.org/contact/member.htm

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