Wednesday, 15 April 2009


Unravelling. That is what is happening to me. I feel like I am doing so much worse now. I feel like the very essence of me is falling apart and I don't know how to fix it...And I usually know how to fix everything. I am a "doer" - I am the organiser in my family. The one that co-ordinates and gets things done. The one that guides others and at the moment, I am completely lost. 

I no longer know myself.  To make matters even more miserable (cannot even fathom to say worse....worse is where I already am), I have been diagnosed with post-partum thyroiditis. At the moment, my thyroid antibodies are literally attacking my thyroid and I have been termed "toxic". I thought that all the symptoms I was having are part of grief - and they are. It just makes grief all that worse. Anxiety; depression; hair falling out in clumps; uncontrollable shaking; heart palpitations; excessive sweating; excessive fatigue when exercising; muscle trembles; insomnia - the list goes on. I really even did not think about there being a physical explanation. I thought it was all obviously emotional. I only went to check it out at the doctor because I thought that maybe I could get something to help me to sleep. The doctor initially thought that the hairloss was related to grief  but decided to follow up on a secondary possibility that it could be related to my thyroid function - just as a precaution. Turns out, my antibodies were off the charts and now I am having blood tests, doctor visits and have started medication. I don't really know how all of this is going to affect my chances of conceiving, as we were starting to think about that. Now there are added complications and risks - as if it wasn't going to be terrifying enough. 

Today was a day that I should not have left the house. Had medical stuff to attend today, which was just crap and then a complete bun fight at work. Sometimes my patience wears a little too thin and when people do things without thought when approaching their work, it drives me nuts. Today it was my internal colleagues and an agency who presented some work which did not answer my brief. After ensuring that I made my message well and clear, to come back with so little consideration to addressing my concerns and answering my brief - well I almost threw the book at them.  To top it all off, I started to relax a little around that little sticking point of t  running into that someone who missed the news. I literally thought about it last night and how good it has been to avoid that confrontation and then today it happened. With a supplier. Calling to canvas their services. Asked how the baby was going...gulp...."uhmmmm.....aahhhh...well, I guess you haven't heard....blah blah". Stunned silence, which I expected and then they launched into - Oh! Well, hang in there...don't forget that you are a human being too. Don't be so dark and keep the faith.....URGH!!! They just went on and on and I just wanted to smash that receiver I was holding up to my ear, listening to it all, against the desk. Then the side of me that I really should have battered down with that receiver said to just let them finish, go on their way and so be it. You don't know what their own circumstances are. They continued to blabber on about what I should be doing and feeling and then tried to solicit details from me about whether there were any opportunities for their services. Quickly shut that conversation down, too politely really and hung up. Ranted to my colleagues, silently fumed at myself for allowing her to go on like that, all the while fighting that rising heartbreak and hurt. 
It was just one of those days.